Suggest A Threesome And I'll Kill You
by Roxius
Summary: Allen and Lavi discover that Lenalee and Miranda are in a homosexual relationship, and now they have to break the news to Komui. Lenalee X Miranda. Please R & R!


Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray-Man.

A/N: I want DGM to go off hiatus already...:/

Note: Takes place while Lenalee has her short hair.

* * *

Allen Walker stifled a heavy yawn as he and Lavi stepped out of the cafeteria late that afternoon. The two exorcists had just recently returned from a mission in Switzerland, and they were still exhausted from fighting off so many Akuma. They were relieved to finally be home, though, especially since Jimmy's already grade-A cooking had seemingly gotten even better while they were gone. By this time of day, most of the Black Order had already either gone to bed or were still hanging around in the cafeteria, so the hallways were unusually quiet and empty at the moment. Timcampy silently fluttered about overhead, as if it were scanning the area for oncoming intruders.

Stretching his arms high over his head, Lavi glanced over at the white-haired boy and asked, "So, Allen...what'cha gonna do now?"

"I think I'm just going to check in with Komui for a bit, see if Lenalee is there, and then go to bed...I'm really tired..." Allen replied, shrugging.

Lavi nodded in agreement, but then he realized something. "Oh yeah! Lenalee wasn't at the cafeteria to greet us back home, huh? She usually always does that, unless she's on a mission herself at the time..."

"As far as I know, she's been here at HQ since we left..." Allen stated, brushing a few specks of rice off of his uniform.

Lavi cocked his head to the right. "Weird. That's really unlike her, especially considering how obsessed she is with friendship and everything..."

"I know...that's exactly why I want to see Komui to find out what's up..."

Suddenly, their conversation came to an immediate end when a soft, low moan shattered the silence that surrounded them. Allen and Lavi waited a moment, and then the same moan came again, this time just a little bit louder. The two exorcists gave each other bewildered looks. There was another moan, and this one was quick and short.

"...Was...was that Lenalee's voice?" Allen asked in horror.

"She's either in alot of pain...or alot of pleasure," Lavi muttered to himself.

"What?!!" Allen's pale cheeks flushed brightly.

Lenalee groaned again, and the two boys immediately ran in the direction of the noise, hoping not to find the raven-haired girl in some sort of terrible near-death situation. After a minute of walking around, they realized that the moans were coming from within the supply closet. Allen slowly reached out to grab the doorknob, but suddenly Lavi grabbed him by the wrist. Lenalee moaned for the fifth time in the last two minutes.

"Wait, Allen! You...you should be a bit more careful!!" Lavi cried, his eyes as wide as dinner plates.

Allen rolled his eyes. "Why? If Lenalee is in there, we should let her out..."

"Listen, my good man...you don't want to accidentally walk in on anything...awkward...now do you?" Lavi asked, pursing his lips in an odd manner. Allen furrowed his brow; this redheaded guy could really get on his nerves sometimes.

"I'M OPENING THE DOOR, AND THAT'S THAT!"

"WAIT, ALLEN, YOU GOTTA WAIT-"

Allen swung the door wide open, and whatever faint color he still had in his face instantly drained away. Lenalee was lying on the floor, her back against the wall and half-naked, as Miranda Lotte nibbled gingerly on the younger girl's neck, running her hands up and down along Lenalee's flat stomach. A trail of saliva was running down along past the base of Lenalee's neck as Miranda continued to suck. Both girls were completely drenched in their own sweat. Lenalee let out her loudest moan yet, and then glanced up to see Allen staring down at her. Lavi was now lying in a puddle of his own blood.

Despite them being indoors, a cold breeze blew past in the tense silence.

"...Hi, Lenalee..." Allen muttered, his eyes glazed over. Lavi remained motionless on the floor.

Lenalee grinned sheepishly. "H-Hi, Allen...w-w-welcome back h-home..." she turned her gaze to the poor young man lying face-down in a pool of crimson liquid, "...you too, L-Lavi..."

Lavi used what little energy he had left to slowly raise his right arm, and give a thumbs-up.

'This...is probably the last thing I ever expected to see in my entire life...'

* * *

_Later, in Allen's room (Lavi was sent to the infirmary due to blood loss)..._

"So...you two have been in a homosexual relationship for just HOW LONG exactly...?"

Lenalee, who was sitting beside Miranda atop of the bed with equally ashamed expressions on their face, closed her eyes as she quietly replied, "About...about 3 and a half months so far...we've slept together alot, and...and we've gone on a few dates already...I love her deeply..."

Miranda nodded her head in mutual agreement.

Allen crossed his arms, and stared up at the ceiling as he thought deeply to himself for a moment. "...You two...are lesbians..."

Both Lenalee and Miranda blushed in reaction to that word. "Y-Yes..."

"You both like girls..."

"Uh-huh..."

Allen looked away, and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I don't know whether I should be happy or sad about this..."

"Huh...?"

"Nothing!" Allen snapped, giving the girls a rather odd look.

"..."

Suddenly, a look of fear formed on Allen's pale, thin face. "O-Oh my god..." he stammered, large beads of sweat rolling down his cheeks, "Does...does YOUR BROTHER know about this...?"

Lenalee shook her head.

"Oh, thank god!" Allen let out a sigh of relief. Then, another horrifying thought came to him. "Does he suspect anything?"

Lenalee opened her mouth to speak, then paused. "Umm...Miranda, do you know how many close calls we've had so far?"

"Uhh..." Miranda held her hand up to her face and counted it out under her breath, "...About 40 times so far, I think..."

Allen nearly choked on his own spit. "4...4...40 times?!!!"

"There's no way I can tell him, either," Lenalee continued, a mixture of sadness and disappointment in her eyes, "If he can't even accept me being with a man...I'd hate to imagine how he'd react to me being with another woman..."

"He might try to kill Miranda." Allen said with a dreadfully straight face. Poor Miranda looked like she was going to pass out just from simply imagining Komui's reaction.

"N-No! There's...there's no way I'd let him do that to my Miranda!" Lenalee cried.

"Then you'd fight him off?" Allen asked inquisitively. Lenalee didn't reply this time; there was no way she could let Miranda get hurt, but she couldn't fight her brother either. Basically, she was stuck. Noticing the distress in Lenalee's eyes, Miranda reached over and gently stroked her hand against her lover's cheek. Lenalee smiled softly back at her, and if Allen hadn't spoke up then, they probably would have started making out right then and there.

"I know you don't like the idea, but...at one point, he's gonna have to know!" Allen exclaimed loudly, "Komui is definitely going to find out!!"

"...What am I going to find out?" Komui asked, taking a sip from his coffee cup. He was standing in the doorway, with a rather pale Levi right beside him.

"Oh, you know, just the fact that your little sister Lenalee happens to be a lesbian-" Allen began, but then he realized who it was he was talking to, "-And I'm a freakin' bean-sprout! ...WHO WANTS A HUG?!"

Miranda actually considered raising her hand for a moment there. Lenalee simply buried her face in her hands, afraid to witness her brother's last thread of sanity snap clean in half.

"...I see," Komui stated in an unnaturally calm voice, "Is she...dating anyone?"

"M-Me!" Miranda suddenly squeaked, and then clasped her hands over her mouth. Komui nodded to himself several times over. The tension in the room at that moment was so thick that Allen could have probably sliced it in half with his Crown Clown. Finally, Komui placed his cup down upon the table next to him, looked over in Miranda's direction and...

...got down on his hands and knees.

"Please take care of my sister for me, Ms. Lotte," the bespectacled man spoke without a hint of resistance in his words.

Everything Allen once believed he knew now seemed like nothing more than a huge, fat lie to him. Likewise for Lenalee and Miranda. Lavi had once again collapsed in a puddle of his own blood as well.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!!"

Komui stared at the three youths like they were insane. "Huh? What's the problem...?"

"I...I DON'T UNDERSTAND, BROTHER!!" Lenalee proclaimed, thoroughly confused, "WE...WE WERE AFRAID YOU WOULD PROBABLY TRY TO KILL MIRANDA FOR DATING ME!!!"

"YEAH! NOT ONLY THAT...BUT YOU HAVE A FREAKIN' HUGE SISTER COMPLEX!!!!" Allen added in.

Komui let out a tiny chuckle. "Ha ha ha...I'd only be bothered by it if you were dating a BOY, my darling little sister!"

That single statement only worsened the confusion.

"It's like this," Komui went on, "Men are untrustworthy, dirty, abusive and all-around piggish creatures...girls are sweet and nice, and they are much easier to deal with. If you're with a girl, Lenalee, I won't have to worry about you being raped or abused or hurt! Plus, now I can sleep easy at night without having horrific dreams of you being gang-raped and ENJOYING it...!!!"

"Umm...but there have been cases in the news already were lesbians have raped, abused and/or hurt other women...I mean, we know Miranda would never do that, but to use such a claim as that to support your belief is a bit...poorly thought out, don't you think...?" Allen quietly pointed out. Komui simply ignored him like usual.

"So...so then..." Lenalee could barely even speak because she was so happy. It was like a dream come true.

"Yes...I will allow your relationship with Miranda," Komui confirmed.

Lenalee screamed with joy, and immediately leaped into her lover's arms, kissing her passionately on the lips.

Allen couldn't keep a smile from spreading on his face. "...They make a cute couple, don't they?"

Komui grinned, but then he unsheathed a small pistol and held it to Allen's head. "Yeah...but if you ever try to make it a threesome, I'll kill you were you stand, Allen Jeremiah Walker!"

"PUT THAT THING AWAY, YOU IDIOT!!!! ...And why add 'Jeremiah'?!"


End file.
